


The Grandiose Recounting of the Tale of the Time That Team KCWJ Almost Nearly Died From A Bicycle Ride

by TesseractTown



Category: RWBY
Genre: Bikes???, Chaotic Chaos 4 Life, I cant spell chaos, THis is just chaotic choas, shennanagins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:42:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,949
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24501805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TesseractTown/pseuds/TesseractTown
Comments: 6
Kudos: 3





	The Grandiose Recounting of the Tale of the Time That Team KCWJ Almost Nearly Died From A Bicycle Ride

IMPORTANT HEADLINE!  
We would like to kindly share the theme song for this fic  
[What Is This?](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S8dmq5YIUoc) If you want to support us….  
Please consider coming to our funerals

Once Upon a Time After the War Ended and Everything Was All Fine and Dandy…

Okay, Restart, that was a lie

Once Upon a Time…… When everything went downhill.

“Kyra that still sounds like shit!”

“Fine, let me restart from the top one more time then for everyone’s entertainment.

Once Upon a Time in a world that was after the war… the squad, or better known as Team KCWJ, pronounced Keysmash, was having a nice day. But the agents of chaos had other plans for today. No one can escape the chaos, and no one wants too.

Okay, maybe that is a lie.

A big one.

BUT NONE THE LESS, the story still stands.

This all started when Wisteria wanted to go biking. But you see, no one trusted Wisteria because we always knew she was scheming. Why she came to Kyra, who everyone also knows liked Chaos and will cause it all the time. 

Flashback to blowing up Atlas academy’s kitchen once? Or even clotheslining Ironwood? Good times those were, but that isn’t the story I am here to tell.

Anyways, Wisteria barged into Kyra’s room in the middle of Kyra’s nap.

“Wait since when did Kyra nap?”  
“Since all your shit exhausted me!”

“My shit?!”

Ignore Caiden, they are only being a little rambunctious right now. Anyways, Kyra wakes up and looks to Wisteria, asking her if there is a fire that she started.

Wisteria responds with a simple “No” then tells Kyra that she wants to go biking with her, but no one will listen to her if she asks because “Do you even know how to read a bike safety manual? That sounds dangerous and I don’t want to die today.”

“Switch to live-action!”

“Kyra! Please help me! I really want to have a fun day and take everyone biking!”

Kyra groans and sits up in bed, giving Wisteria a glare.

“You know to not wake me up when I’m sleeping or all hell breaks loose, but your in luck today, because I’m in a good mood.”

Kyra pauses for a second and gives Wisteria a dead look.

“But what makes you think they’ll listen to me?”

Wisteria then mimics Kyra’s look.

“You’re our team leader! Surely they’ll listen to your ideas.”

Kyra sighs and hops out of bed, picking up her sunglasses on the desk and puts them on, but sliding them up to rest them on the top of her head. Wait… it’s evening out?

“FUCKING CUT!”

“THIS IS LIVE FUCKING TV, JACKDAW! YOU DONT NEED TO YELL THAT!”

So then Kyra and Wisteria walk out of there room and into the hallway, Kyra doing stretches and exercises on the way, getting prepared for the bike rid of a lifetime.

When they reach the living area, Jackdaw and Caiden are playing such a simple card game, like who the fuck plays a card game when you could be Chaotic Chaos 4 Life™.

Jackdaw and Wisteria look up as they hear the agents of unrelenting chaos enter the room, they drop there cards on the table as they take in all of the-

“DONT YOU FUCKING SAY IT KYRA!”

“I”LL EAT MY SCYTHE. TEST ME. I’LL MARRY MY SCYTHE, TRY ME.”

“What the-”

ANYWAYS, back to the story since I was kindly interrupted.

So we had one of those badass movie entrances with the glasses on, arms crossed with a building blowing up behind them, not even exaggerating, and I swear this isn’t bullshit, I definitely didn’t blow up our microwave for this, I swear on my life.

Okay, maybe I shouldn’t swear on my life, I’d probably die.

“ACTION!”

“Would you guys like to come bike riding with us?” Wisteria asks the group nicely, almost seeming like there were no ulterior intentions.  
“Wisteria, you can’t read a safety manual,” Caiden responds back, picking up their cards.

Kyra rolls her eyes, “Trust me, we just want to get some exercise and have some team bonding time!”

Jackdaw gives Kyra a dead look, “Last time you used that as an excuse it was so we could having throwing practice. But when we got there you said we had to switch weapons, I don’t think anyone could even hold your scythe, yet throw the damn thing, I about died that day more times than I have been near death my entire life!”

Kyra rolls her eyes, “It was team bonding though, and proved that I am the only one who can wield Crystal Thorn to perfection.”

“We already know that Kyra, we didn’t need to die a million times for you to prove that.”

“But no one died!” Wisteria says with a smug expression.

“I basically died, I think that experience shaved years off my life alone from the amount of heart attacks I had. Never. Again.” Caiden says.

Kyra sighs and throws her arms out dramatically, “Come on it will be fun!”

Caiden sets their cards on the table again, “Kyra. I’ve known you longer than anyone here knows you. Whenever you give me that pleading look I know you are up to something, and I would like to not shave another 20 years off my life, yeah?”

“GOOD JOB TEAM!”

Kyra then proceeds to get up and drag Caiden out of the room, Jackdaw sighing and having to follow behind them, not letting Caiden die alone.  
If they are going to die today, they might as well do it as a team.

I can already see the news headlines. THE FAMOUS TEAM KCWJ DIED IN A BIKING ACCIDENT FROM SHEER TERROR!

“ON SCENE AGAIN!”

“Why is this a 4 person bike?” Caiden groans as they arrive outside.

Kyra shrugs, “I just gave a punch to my keyboard and this showed up!”

Wisteria punches Kyra in the arm, “You didn’t even fucking buy the bike! Don’t take credit for this!”

“Wake me up and I’ll fuck you up, okay?”

Cue fire alarm going off.

“YOU SAID THAT IT DIDNT MATTER!”

Kyra snorts and hops on the second seat of the bike, Wisteria hops in the drivers seat, Caiden behind Kyra, and Jackdaw on the back. Kyra puts her sunglasses on.

“If I die…. I love you all, other than Kyra.” Cadien grumbles out.

“WHAT THE FUCK CAIDEN!”

“I HATE YOU TOO KYRA!”

“MY LIFE GOAL HAS BEEN FAILED!” Kyra wails as Wisteria takes off

And so… they took off on the bike, and everything was fine and dandy… till it wasn’t.  
There was a large hill in the distance, and despite the cries from Caiden and Jackdaw to go the other way… what do you expect when it is the one and only Wisteria driving?

“WHO PUT WISTERIA IN THE DRIVERS SEAT AGAIN?!”

“IT WAS MY IDEA!”

“SHE IS BEAUTY, SHE IS ANGST, SHE WILL KILL YOU WITH HER ANGST!”

This is truly a tragic story, yes. Most definitely full of angst. I mean we did lose The squads sanity that day. Well actually.

I’m pretty sure that was thrown out the windows years before.

But that isn’t the point here.

Anyways, so Wisteria turns in that direction, and everyone starts bracing themselves for impact, well, except Kyra and Wisteria, because they are too bust being chaotic. That is how it always goes.

Wisteria rounds the corner and they start flying down the hill with…

“GO!”

“WISTERIA WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING! WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” CAIDEN CRIES OUT IN AGONY.

Who knows what the fuck Jackdaw is doing.

Wisteria lifts her legs up off the pedals and they start spinning around at godspeed.

“WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” KYRA SCREAMS OUT IN PURE CHOATICNESS! 

Kyra then proceeds to stand up on the bike, one foot on the seat, and one on the handle.

“KYRA YOU ARE GOING TO GET ALL OF US KILLED!” 

“WHY DO YOU THINK I AGREED TO THIS!”

Yeah, I still don’t know what Jackdaw is doing during all of this.

Caiden latched onto Kyra’s leg. To this day we will never know if it was out of fear that they were going to die, or to try to keep Kyra on. 

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING KYRA? BUT WHATEVER IT IS I FULLY SUPPORT IT!” Wisteria yells as she turns around to look at Kyra.

“WHATCHU MEAN?! IM NOT DOING ANYTHING”

“WISTERIA KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE DAMN ROAD! I WOULD LIKE TO LIVE TO TELL THIS STORY!”

“No, you don’t” Jackdaw butts in.

“OH, YOUR FUCKING ALIVE?!?!?!?!?” CAIDEN SCREAMS.

Caiden then proceeds to look down at the pedals, just as they fly off the bike from… I’m a huntress not a engineer………………………………………. Thats a lie. I created Crystal Thorn.

Caiden looks up to Kyra.

“WE HAVE A PROBLEM!”

WISTERIA keeps looking at the road in front of them, “THE MORE YOU TALK TO KYRA THE MORE KYRA.EXE WILL BREAK!”

“THE PEDALS BROKE YOU, DUMBASSES!”

Kyra laughs as she starts to do a dance on the bike, “Pfff we’re fine”

“I hope you fall off.”

“Love you too Caiden.”

“WHY ARE WE RECREATING THIS?!?!?!?”

“WISTERIA I HATE YOU!”

“WE ARE NOW STUNTS PEOPLE!”  
“THAT’S NOT THE WORD!”

“DO YOU THINK I CAN READ?”

It was at this moment Kyra was living, Caiden was hanging on for dear life, regretting all their life decisions, Wisteria was heading them for a ramp…. And Jackdaw was just acting like this was normal. Oh and for the record, this wasn’t an actual ramp, it just looked like one, and we did ramp off it. Oh wait, that’s a spoiler.

Which in all honesty. Caiden should be used to this by now, I mean if they just got used to it we wouldn’t be in this situation now, would we? Yeah. It’s all Caiden’s fault.

Kyra… is living there best life right now, standing up on a bike that is headed towards a ramp… but no one other than Wisteria knew that at this point.

“BACK INTO CHARACTER FOLKS!”

“WE ARENT OCs!!!”

“BULLSHIT!”

“BULLSHIT YOURSELF! WE ARE LITERALLY ACTING OURSELVES!”

“THIS IS THE GREATEST EXPERIENCE-” Kyra pauses momentarily as her eyes widen at the ramp in front of them, “WHAT THE HELL WISTERIA! THIS IS AMAZING!”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN-” Caiden then looks in front of them, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WISTERIA! TRYING TO GET US ALL KILLEd?! AND KYRA ISNT EVEN SITTING DOWN! KYRA! SIT DOWN!”

“BULLSHIT!”  
“IM TRYING TO MAKE YOU GUYS LET LOOSE!”

“BY TRYING TO KILL US ALL?!?!?!?!?!?!??!”

“yup.”

Caiden looks now again and see the brakes…. Well… break off?

“WHAT THE FUCK WE ARE SO FUCKING DEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD” CAIDEN SCREAMS AT THE TOP OF THERE LUNGS, “WE JUST NEED TO ABORT!”

“YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW”

“What the fuck.”

“THE BREAKS FUCKING BROKE YOU…….”

“Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

Jackdaw turns around and smiles, “This is not the time for jokes.”

“THANK YOU JACKDAW!” Caiden screams.

I don’t even know where this story went after this if I’m honest. We went off that ramp, and Kyra went fucking flying, I don’t even know how she survived. Or all we just ghosts?

Probably the ladder.

Does that phrase even make sense in this situation? Nothing makes sense anymore.

“THANK YOU GUYS FOR COMING TO OUR DOCUMENTARY!”

“I regret ever agreeing to this.”

“This is how to ride bikes ft. Wisteria, Kyra, and Cadien.”

“THAT SHIT WAS FUN!!!”

What do you say at the end of a storybook again?

Oh yeah.

Goodbye.

Wait… No.

WAKEY WAKEY MOTHERFUCKERS!

Once again, I don’t think that sounds right. It sounds more like a start if you get my vibe.

The. END,


End file.
